Audio turboencabulator

Most of you are probably familiar with the classic Turboencabulator - a machine that "would not only supply inverse reactive current for use in unilateral phase detractors, but would also be capable of automatically synchronizing cardinal grammeters." In a similar vein, the audio industry has offered its own "marvelous piece of gimmickry" - the Pseudoacoustic Infector.

The model PI 14 acoustic stimulator is said to offer users the ability to "add bits of this and dashes of that with continuously variable breadth and depth," along with the ability to "pan from here to there." And "spectral harmony" can be controlled via a "special Rinkwitz Liley 4th grade crossover filter."

Other key features include:

• Independent Power & Glory Switches
• Continuously Variable This/That Level
• Program Dependent Sheen Removal
• Proprietary Paint to Reflect Odd Harmonic Light Frequencies to Reduce Nono-Linear Photon Radiation Interference
• Time Warp Compression/Expansion to Synchronize Here/There Time Coordinates

Not to mention the "pneumonic suspension to reduce gravitational electron drift due to tilted chassis" and "10 megawatt mini fusion reactor power supply." Or the use of "nearly room temperature (-146°C) bismuth superconductors." It is noted that a separate cooling system is required, but not included.

A datasheet offers specifications, and a block diagram details the design of this "clever application of some otherwise tawdry electrical components:"

Unfortunately the PI 14 is currently unavailable "due to parts shortage."