UBM Tech
UBM Tech

Oscilloscope diseases

-April 01, 2014

If you recognize any of these conditions in yourself or your scope, contact a professional immediately.

Slipped Probe: This sometimes fatal condition is often preceded by a "crack" sound, sparks, and even smoke, and the telltale expletives emitted by the operator will confirm the diagnosis. Milder cases of slipped probe can sometimes be cured by a simple system reset, but the worst examples show a 100 percent fatality rate for patient and probe.

Aliasitis: The inexperienced will usually misdiagnose aliasitis as a problem with the patient. Once the error is discovered, the user will blame the scope, but the scope will blame the user. Proper reading of EDN would have prevented all such embarrassments.

Scope Blindness: Lower-end scopes are sometimes considered legally blind, as they cannot see the signal most of the time. Unfortunately, there is no cure. The condition must be lived with as best as one can. Alternatively, a radical scopectomy can be performed, though a common side-effect of this treatment is emptybankaccountism.

Tinnitus: Characterized by a ringing in one's signals, the cure is fortunately quite simple and painless. Removal of excess ground lead length will usually result in fully restored signal health.

Screen of Death: Frequently diagnosed by its blue color, the screen of death is a modern disease, not encountered on earlier scopes. Despite its ominous name, the cure involves, at worst, cycling the scope's power. Most kinds of death are final, but the screen of death can recur indefinitely, causing only frustration and wasted time.

Sluggishbootus: This condition is often discovered in conjunction with "screen of death." Symptoms include needing to take a break, or disturbing a colleague with idle chat, waiting for the disease to run its course.

Execfile Dysfunction: Execfile Dysfunction is very difficult to diagnose, as symptoms can manifest in almost any manner. Encountering a number of inexplicable behaviors is a usual tipoff. Cures can sometimes be downloaded, but there's always a risk that the cure is worse than the disease.

Cal Lab Abscondia: There will always be some who attribute this event to supernatural causes. Manifestations include scopes mysteriously disappearing for a time, then reappearing, hours or days later. Once restored, they are often found to have strange stickers applied to them. Clearly there is a scientific explanation for these disappearances; we just haven't discovered it yet.

Scopehoardism: When large numbers of scopes congregate in a residential dwelling, the resident may be diagnosed with scopehoardism. Since the diagnosis is often made by a layperson, such as a spouse, "friend," or similar non-professional, it is best ignored.

Touchscreen Disease: A communicable disease frequently found on scopes operated by several people, touchscreen disease can make it very difficult to view the precious signals the afflicted scope is trying to display. It can also act as a vector of other pathogens among users. Disinfecting the afflicted area can bring great improvement to this condition, though in extreme cases, the scope will actually protect itself from further infection by shutting down touchscreen operation, requiring users to resort to other methods of interaction.

Cordtripyouup: This syndrome can have a wide range of effects, and may cause reactions in the user, scope, or both. Users have reported loss of balance, panic, and general embarrassment. Scopes have experienced anything from a slight shift of position to total destruction. Prevention is the best approach with such a variable disease.

I hope you've found this survey of some of the more common scope-related diseases enlightening. If I've saved at least one scope, it's all been worth it.

Also see:

Follow Michael Dunn at

Loading comments...

Write a Comment

To comment please Log In