Happy anniversary, EDN: you’re old

-July 11, 2016

On this, the first day of summer in 2076, I’m 114 years old and don’t feel a day over 90, which is fine because I’m told that 90 is the new 40. My droid has the tea ready – the really good stuff too, if you know what I mean.

Checking the screen, I see that we got some good economic news today: unemployment among humans is down to 35%, but of course that good news came with some bad news: robot unemployment is over 5% – a record-breaking high! Both human and AI pundits say it could trigger the revolution we’ve all been expecting since Elon Musk’s android ate him.

EE Times reports that it’s finally official: the Dutch Empire became the leading superpower yesterday when the courts settled the Dutch levee patent dispute with the United States of Halliburton, granting them California. Now we can finally drain Florida. People are clamoring for the reopening of Busch Gardens.

On the computing front, EDN reports that the quantum computing disappointment of 2054, when everything got too entangled to decode, is finally behind us, and Moore’s Law should soon be back on track. Researchers at the new particle physics lab in Nairobi, NERN, have made logic gates that use quark and gluon currents instead of electrons and photons. Now that we can put a million transistors in a nucleus, the femtoelectronics—err, one problem with living so long is that it’s hard to make the conceptual leap across paradigms—that is, the femtochromonics revolution has finally begun. It will sure be nice to replace this centimeter-diameter memory enhancement chip. I mean, it was okay when I had hair covering it but now my whole skull is cluttered with embellishments. It’s like I have barbed wire hair. Sure, the double-digit set think it’s cool, but I’m still hoping the mullet comes back in style.

SETI is convinced that it has found life in the Alpha Centauri system. Apparently civilized planets are going to such extremes to hide from us that they’re no longer radiating in the radio or microwave frequencies—making it the 324th goldilocks system to put up shields in our direction this decade. It’s getting embarrassing.

EDN Analog reports that desalinization plants now create more freshwater than rain. I tried to describe snow to my great-great-great granddaughter the other day. Of course she knows what it is (her skiing VR is one of her favorites), but she just doesn’t believe it could actually fall from the sky.

On the upside, I finally managed to explain the concept of privacy to her. She found it very difficult to get her head around the idea that you could be somewhere without other people knowing where you are or what you’re doing. On the downside, her father, my great-great grandson, chewed me out for scaring her. She’s having a recurring nightmare where she’s walking along a beach and no one knows her opinion.

Oh, and look here, on the EDN Power Management homescreen, physicists report that nuclear fusion is now just decades away!

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